ELEMENTS OF TIME
The dial turns slowly
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It is just before 6am and the sun is rising over the bay. Not so in my eyes these days, things have been rainy up here on the hill. The deer under the apple tree is taunting June who seems to both want to chase it as far as she can or ask it to be her friend.
A few weeks ago a fawn was sleeping under the pine tree in the wildflower patch and just as I was sure the yard was free of deer it leapt out and June ran off after it into the woods, I was sure never to be seen again.
I was impressed by the absence of panic in my body. Intuitively I trusted her to navigate the woods, and while she is fast as hell I knew the baby deer was a bit smarter than baby dog.
I got in my car after a few minutes and drove down to the road just to scan and make sure my worst fear hadn’t happened. When the coast was clear I drove back up the hill and continued to calmly think of what to do next. I grabbed June’s food bag and figured I would just start walking in the woods calling her name.
As I set off toward the tree line, bounding up the dirt driveway, tongue ejected out of the side of her mouth, June ran towards me panting and covered in twigs. I knelt down in a state of gratitude and greeting, her mouth immediately on my face as if to say - can you even believe this? I went on the best adventure of my life and better yet - I know how to get home. I knew the way home see see see you can trust me to go off on my own.
I spent all Winter promising myself that if I went off into the woods of love again and got lost or sidetracked I would have a clear path back to myself. In theory I assumed this would be extremely difficult, but in practice I have found that I am able to do it swiftly and with ease.
On the New Moon in Cancer I had coffee with a friend, got adjusted by the chiropractor, spent almost two hours on the phone repairing one of my most important relationships, and then pivoted out of a new romance. All in the name of coming back to myself. An element of time permeating each essence of the day.
From mid August to mid January my nervous system was giving me signals every day to leave love behind. My body was screaming at me and I ignored it everyday in a state of panic and fear, to the point of having a complete breakdown. Five months of ignoring every physical signal led me to wanting to drink or to die, the option of removing my physical body from a relationship truly hadn’t crossed my mind.
This time what took me five months took me five minutes. Choosing myself did not feel sexy or cool. It did not feel hot or evolved. It did not feel fun or special. It made my heart ache and fill with the grief of what was being lost and what had been lost.
It felt psychic, it felt physical, it felt intuitive. It felt matched by a love that from the beginning prioritized choosing the self, as uncomfortable and clunky as we perhaps knew it would be. As the signs of shadows persisted I kept thinking - it would be so much more fun to keep choosing sex and lust and magic and summer sweat and wishing and the fantasy. But what I know now is this is not true and truth is an element of time.
Later in the day I was able to text the friend who I had reconnected with earlier in the day about this loss of the heart, as if God had dipped in to say - look look, you know how to get home.
The urgency of not wanting to get lost, of not wanting to make a mess, this perfectionist state keeps me in the chaos of the body time and time again.
What I continue to learn is how resilient my remembering is. I don’t really need the body to keep the score so often but, I’m glad it was relentless in it’s truth telling.
May we dare to listen to the first time.
I read Melissa Febos’ book Body Work over a few days mostly at the beach and I listened to some of it in the car. There has never been a book that has made me feel so clear about my role in the web as a writer. I recommend you read it
I just finished listening to Stolen Focus and I don’t know if the book really offered that great of solutions as much as just made me really sad about technology, but it did encourage me to turn toward myself more
I got a Water Winter Wonderland vanity plate that says SHAPES and an X on my license for being Non Binary with my Michigan address
Thanks to kev for the shapes idea, thanks to all those who reflect spacious ideas of gender back to me
I don’t believe in today but I do believe in parades
My name is my own my own my own
and I can’t tell you who the hell set things up like this
but I can tell you that from now on my resistance
my simple and daily and nightly self-determination
may very well cost you your life
from Poem About My Rights by June Jordan
The Janes documentary on HBO
My jeans don’t fit my ass anymore which is a huge win for my ass that has gotten bigger for the first time in my adult life. Felt great to stop desperately trying to get said jeans over said ass and instead buy new jeans and hand the old jeans to my hot friend who they fit perfectly
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