The fear of completion, success, and miracles
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In general I am not afraid of failing, but of succeeding. I am afraid that succeeding looks arrogant, that I will be no longer worthy of love, that something in the struggle is what gives me connection and community. What if my serotonin starts to sparkle? What if I teach a class that a lot of people take and it changes their lives? What if I get dressed and my outfit looks amazing and I am very hot? What if I shower and my hair looks absolutely gorgeous? What if I finish this book proposal and sell a third book? And then what if I write the book and people … ya know … read it? What if I paid attention to the facts and stopped questioning my every move?
I don’t have a business plan. I don’t have an outcome plan. I don’t have a timeline for how I hope things look. I don’t have growth projections or subscriber goals. I don’t have a yearly calendar of launches planned out. I do not have an online organizational system that is seamless and helps me work more efficiently.
My income is a product of showing up to my practice, my process, my containers of creation. My income is generated by the public sharing of what I am researching, curious about, and want to go deeper on with others.
I have at least five different notebooks that are for different activities : morning pages, lists, ideas, tarot spreads, step work, therapy, and book writing. Sticky notes taped all over the wall, lists tucked into multiple books, endless iPhone notes, pages of books dog eared, post it flags in my books, piles of books placed all around my house for different subjects - quilt books stacked on the floor by my sewing things, books about dance stacked next to the couch for dreaming up online dance class syllabus.
This works for me
This works for me
This works for me
The thing about being a tornado person is, that works for me. Being a tornado person works for me. It’s generally other people it doesn’t work for. And as the self help kids say - those aren’t my people. I’m not talking about chaotic behavior that harms others. I am talking about the chaos of my process. The tornado of my organization, or lack thereof to most people.
Every time I have been single and living alone I find myself on a journey of returning to accepting this part of myself that I often bury to suit the needs of my partners or house mates. I like a pile on the dining room table so I can find my daily readers. I like a pile of my knitting so I can grab it. I like a bowl with my hair clips on the coffee table. I like my notes taped everywhere. Perhaps this sounds selfish and yes we bend and we move towards compromise when we love someone, but what is that line when we just completely shame bury who we are? Even with a separate room for the chaos, the shame builds in the witnessing of the tornado.
In my wintered ice storm hibernation I am often asked - what do you do up there? Do you have friends? Is there anything to do? Well first of all yes I do have friends and things to do. But more importantly, I am really enjoying all my alone time, this time of coming back to myself. This time of judging my process less and less. The return to acceptance of exactly who I am and how I walk through the world. When my days becomes laser focused on my process benefitting one person through a lens of codependency, I am completely cut off from spirit and service. I find in the mending of this a version of me that is unshakably driven, even in a rest state.
What if the outcome of my work was favorable? What is the worst that could happen? Well the worst that can happen is people won’t sign up for the thing, people will hate what you made, people will abandon you, people will leave before you are ready.
WHAT IF THAT IS BEING HIGHLY FAVORED? To have complete trust in the everything for keeping an eye on us. That even the most painful grief, rejection, self esteem blast - is an invitation to bring us closer to the work at hand. And if you don’t know what the work at hand is - nothing matters so it’s ok. Not in the sad depressing way but in the way of, we are here so briefly.
What if I let it be just how I like it?
What if I let this be big?
What if I let this earn money?
What if I let this stay a hobby?
What is I let this be easy?
What if I let this feel good?
What if I let this stoplight turn green without saying anything?
What if I washed my face?
What if I put the batteries back in my alarm clock?
What if I didn’t text back?
What if I did?
What if we tried?
What if I poured the water in the jar?
What if I sat down to do this just a little bit longer?
Twyla Tharp talks about her boxes for each of her projects. This is how I vision the corners of my mind and the corners of my cottage. Little boxes collecting the evidence for creation, miracles, new visions of new days.
Let nothing matter, let everything be favorable, let yourself be a mess and stay anyways. Don’t wait to feel better to write your newsletter, record your podcast, paint your painting. If we wait we will never know the outcome, the one we are waiting to be pleasantly surprised by.
I am attentively following the process of dismantling shame on the social media app that the artist Anna Fusco has been sharing. I watch her draw and surf and eat really good fruit and think - success! THIS is the success of adventure. Of being willing to be witnessed in the luxuriating of self
Madi Diaz’s album History of a Feeling is the greatest album for “I am unpacking all my rocks and putting them on this windowsill after a breakup” kind of day
I'm not really looking to get healthy
I have so many perspectives, I'm losing perspective
I make me nervous
“Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. I like this adage. I cling to it. It’s true to the same degree that you can’t half ass death. You have to die all the way to be dead. And this is what scares us about it. Its finality. But in life, this is just the way it is. You have to die all the way before you can resurrect.” - Mary Magdalene Revealed, Meggan Watterson
My little brother put out a new album yesterday (you might like his band Radiator Hospital) with Michael Cantor from The Goodbye Party and it’s very good!
Sea of Hate is my favorite track like hahahahhaha can u believe I only got one sibling and that’s how he sings hahahaha god must love us
Every Sunday I watch Euphoria and I simply cannot believe the artistry it makes me want to be better at everything I do and also not relapse and also get kinda chaotic with a hot jock ya know
My favorite June Metal is having 20% off sale ready made rinnngsssss
The way a turtleneck hits the collar of a blazer
Really here for the Martha Beck of it all
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