THE LIMINAL SPACE OF WAITING
In the hallway between rooms
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I move very quickly. So when there is a season of being in the hallway, moving between the rooms, I hate it. I hate waiting, I hate not knowing, I hate making sacrifices, I hate compromising, I hate watching the thing I think I want slip between my fingers. I hate when things don’t move on my timeline, I hate when God has other plans for me, I hate when the bubbles at the party pass by me and I can’t catch them even though I know, I am not there to catch them.
And yet, I stay. I relish in this. I linger in the not knowing for as long as I can, for as long as my radical devotion will lead me to. I stay very awake in the waiting and I let it change me from the inside out. I don’t tell myself not to have “hating the timeline” be my first thought. I allow it in like a rushing stream of wisdom and then I say, if we just wait a little bit longer the not knowing becomes the Utopia.
Every party I go to I leave without saying goodbye and I leave before I am tired. Every party I go to I go to just for me and as soon as it is not very fun for me I leave. I vanish, I take myself out the back door and I walk to my car and I make the drive back up the peninsula.
I find this keeps me in the hallway and not rushing into the next room. A room I don’t even want to be in. How often do I move too quickly just to not be in the hallway, just to be somewhere else. Anywhere but where I am.
In the midst of discomfort I notice it only takes staying put a few times to have waiting feel comfortable. For the waiting to not be waiting for what is next but to just be the thing that happens in between.
May the blessings of the thin veil bring patience and peace
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